Instructions for making new friends in your mid-thirties
Making new friends in your mid-thirties is tough—especially when you’re an introverted writer living with a mental illness, who works from home, prefers the company of cats to humans, and whose social skills have rusted from the pandemic, the proliferation of social media, and a drastically reduced attention span. We’ll take the anxiety out of making new friends and show you a few simple steps you can take to foster meaningful relationships well into middle age.
Step 1
Read an 89-year-old self-help book about how to win friends written by a neurotypical man who lived in a world without the Internet, social media, or smartphones. Enjoy the activity because reading is more agreeable than socializing.
Step 2
Attend a riveting panel discussion about artist housing cooperatives. Don’t stay for the reception following the event because it’s already 9 p.m. and you don’t need new friends who keep you up at all hours.
Step 3
Go to an indoor sporting event to meet people even though you don’t follow the team, know the rules of the game, or are sure of who’s playing. Leave after fifteen minutes because the cheering sounds like screaming, which triggers your PTSD flashbacks.
Step 4
Drown your sorrows to your local bartender. When he shrugs and says he doesn’t find making friends all that difficult, speculate that it’s easier for cis men to form relationships with each other because their friendships tend to be surface-level. Consider pursuing this type of friendship since it seems like less labour. Change your mind when you question if friendships without emotional intimacy actually combat loneliness.
Step 5
Catch a local theatre production. Be surprised when the chairs on either side of you are unoccupied, as you had hoped to share your opinions of the play with your seatmates. Forgo moving over because you’re in the midst of a harsh Canadian winter, and the spare seats hold your bulky coat, toque, gloves, hand warmers, spare sweaters (yes, plural), enormous scarf, and purse quite comfortably.
Step 6
Despite the seat space, become ill with the flu a few days after going to the theatre. Spend the next three weeks housebound in a mountain of Kleenex.
Step 7
Recover and plan to attend a comedy show. Watch with some relief as a blizzard rages beyond your window and all events are cancelled due to the storm.
Step 8
Help a friend move. Try to use the opportunity to engage with their friends. Struggle to make small talk while hauling a mattress. Become breathless climbing three flights of stairs again and again. Distracted by your screaming muscles, abandon all inquiries.
Step 9
Celebrate a friend’s book launch. Hope to spark friendships with people who have been acquaintances for years. Overimbibe due to your impulse control issues and social anxiety. Forget any connections you might have made.
Step 10
Unsuccessful in your attempts to make new friends, incorporate community building into your writing practice as an extra motivator. Reach out to a writer with lived experience working on a project with similar themes to the one you’re working on. Agree to connect monthly over Zoom (since they live in another country) to brainstorm and commiserate. Delight in a friendship that doesn’t involve leaving the house or wearing anything other than sweatpants.